In the morning woke up at like 6am and thought it was Wednesday (it was Tuesday.) I couldn't remember the entire week. I couldn't remember anything for the past few months. I felt like I was living a stranger's life. I kind of still do.

On Sunday I went to meeting and I feel like I'm being rude when I don't stay for social stuff after silent worship, but my mom drives me since I don't have a license, and we live far enough away from the meeting that it makes no sense to drive back home during it just to drive back barely an hour later, so my mom stays in the car the whole time. Bless her. When silent worship is over she is always in pain from sitting there so I have to leave. Sunday was our potluck and a very nice old lady leaned over to me and said, "You know, everyone's welcome," and I cried!! They're so nice! Quakers are so damn nice!! We also gave the meeting kids each a book the community picked out for them. I can't wait to participate in next year's. I said I'd volunteer for one of their events to chaperone kids, but I thought it was the 21st when it was the 19th and I missed it. NOT giving off a good first impression :-( I feel really bad about it, but I can only do better going forward.

Honestly, Quakerism has been so good for me. I look forward to meeting every week. I love silent worship because it's sort of like customize your character worship; it is what you make of it. I listen and listen. I meditate. I think of God and how They gave us a beautiful world, where we're still discovering new cat species previously unknown to science, where there are people who see me for who I am - me in my entirety, guts n' all - where there are meetinghouses who focus on social justice work and elderly women who ask your pronouns - where there are community self-serve farm stands and local marijuana "farmer's markets" and an Old Town painted in rainbow. I think of God and how I was given such a beautiful life -one that I am immensely lucky and privileged to have. I think of God and how I see Them in my mother taking me to meeting and staying the entire hour - I see Them in my friends' kind words to me and their hug emoji reacts on Discord - I see Them in the greeter at local comic con who wheeled my wheelchair all the way into the con after I fell on my ass trying to get it out of the car - I see Them in my bird and the local bird owner community - God is everywhere in my life, or rather I see God everywhere in my life, or rather I am reminded of God everywhere in my life (these are 3 different things). I am just grateful I have found a religious path focused on equality, one where I can actually be a part of the IRL community unlike when I was interested in other faiths.

(Good lord, that was an obnoxiously Midwestern American paragraph!)

I feel like I'm floating through school and not in a good way? I am sort of just fluttering around. I don't feel like I'm doing it right; I have a 4.0 GPA at the moment. I guess I thought it'd be more challenging? My therapist said the kind of work I want to do is usually reserved for grad school and I think she's right. I just want to study the things I enjoy and find interesting. Let me write papers on religion! I am a religious studies major!!!!!!!! I know this is my first semester of freshman year but!! But!! Anyway I get things done minutes before the deadline, but I get them done. I sure as fuck do get them done. This is the longest I've ever kept up with college in my life, by the way. Previous record was 3 weeks. It's been a month.

Surgery recovery is going well. I've had no pain at all and am back on my feet for the most part. Ordering a lot of post-surgery gifts to myself (commissions of my Star Trek fan kid OCs on vgen). I got a drawing tablet--a super cheap one - and I've been drawing a lot. I find myself really liking what I'm drawing with it. The pressure settings on a tablet are so different than the pressure settings on a Samsung A8. I need to try out doing a non-sketchy piece with it, but I've been focusing mainly on remaking this site.

I've remade my site... let's see. Neocities -> Nekoweb -> Neocities -> Bearblog -> Self-hosted wordpress -> Self-hosted hand coded rails application -> OTWArchive personal site edition -> Bearblog -> Pika for like 3 seconds -> PureBlog self-hosted, and I think/hope I'm stopping here. I have a major inability to decide or be happy with one thing for a long period of time, and that's something I'm working on and have made a lot of progress on lately. I mean, I've stuck with my IRL name since 2022, which is the longest I've stuck with a chosen name literally ever.

I love all the features PureBlog has. It's perfect for me. I sort of want to go back and gather screenshots of old versions of my site for another post, because it's really so fun to look back on. I've been doing a lot of looking back lately. I still sort of feel like I'm stuck in 2013. I don't know why. I also feel like I'm stuck in 2019. And 2022. And - well, you get the idea. I feel like every week is a different me. I am never static; the past is just a collection of my echoes.

Usually my stream of consciousness posts are poetic but this one isn't, really. That's fine. I'm trying to be okay with putting everything in one place. Like, just dumping it on one site, on one blog. I used to be really weird about where I'd put what kind of updates but no longer. Though I do want to use my self-hosted Dreamwidth more.

Beeminder charged me $5 today because I didn't write... oh well. I want to start my novel but I never have the motivation to do anything meaningful or productive. I need to study and work on my exchange assignments and write my novel and I am doing none of those things! I just sit on the computer and scroll. I am unable to pull myself away these past few days. Just mindless scrolling. I hate it.

I want to start Half His Age. Mostly because my wheel spin gave it to me, and also because my novel is sort of somewhat similar in concept and I'm curious. One of my most trusted literature-loving mutuals did not care for McCurdy's prose, but I'm waiting to see what I think of it. I haven't read since I finished Fruit Fly at Spravato last week...

I find my brain goes too fast for me these days, and simultaneously too slowly. Maybe that's it. Maybe that's the big motivation block and not avolition. I really want it to be something besides avolition but I think avolition is the most likely cause of this (mixed with ADHD which doesn't help) and that makes me so mad. My brain is just so scattered. Parts of it are spinning exoplanet-fast and parts of it are still learning how to walk. I don't know how to gather myself up enough to be me? To be a person. It's really frustrating. I feel like there's a Minecraft creeper guarding my ability to start projects.

Anyway.. I don't know how to end posts. So I'll end with a question.

How do YOU motivate yourself to start projects??? Besides Beeminder.