I'm A Fucking Cunt (Yes Really)
I'm a cunt. I'm not the person I know I can be if I really try. I'm actually an egregious, horrendous cunt, and I don't say that for sympathy, but rather because it's a fact.
Not a lot of people know this, because I don't share it, but I was told I had conduct disorder when I was 13 or 14. It never got officially put on my records, because my psychiatrist was convinced I'd grow out of it with treatment and didn't want it to follow me in life if I did. Conduct disorder is typically considered a "precursor" to ASPD. And I do feel remorse under conditional circumstances - such as if I wrong someone I love or care about - so I do not fit full diagnostic criteria for ASPD. But I have been recognized as having NPD with antisocial traits, which is odd because I also typically present my symptoms in covert ways. I just don't always present them in covert ways, and this week I have gotten into a lot of trouble for it.
I shouldn't have to start off this article with a paragraph explaining that despite my mental illnesses, I try to be a good person as much as I can, but considering the pervasive stigma I feel a need to. I have been in therapy for 20 years (yes, since age 5). I see 2 therapists a week and I do ketamine therapy and I am on meds. I do genuinely not want to hurt others who have done nothing wrong - I have been wronged! I know how much it sucks! I don't want to make other people feel that way! - but my brain categorizes the smallest invalidations as having done something wrong, and therefore I do feel significant amounts of anger when I feel invalidated. I've done a lot of searching, looking for ways to cope with this--I find that going outside and throwing rocks into my pond as hard as I can really helps, as well as exercising and doing the temperature and muscle relaxation DBT skills. But when I'm having stressful weeks and I get multiple invalidations or perceived invalidations at once, I forget my coping methods and lose it a little bit. I feel absolutely awful for it. I am an egregious cunt. I don't really know what to do about it.
I don't want to be this way! Yet I feel a need to share this. I feel a need to share it because it is something that impacts every aspect of my life. It is who I am. I am a narcissist. I am a genetic narcissist because my abusive father also had a diagnosis of NPD and because I was trafficked as a child and because I was bullied to near-death so anger and violence is what I was raised around, what I absorbed into myself in order to survive. For a while, if I didn't want to get injured or bullied, I had to learn to snap back immediately, to sharpen my teeth and use my height to my advantage, and I guess I never stopped. I'm too good at it now. I've been molded into the shape of it.
I feel like the stigma around these disorders is harmful. I don't think of myself as a bad person - or at least, I don't want to be, I care about treating others well, and I have the best intentions even if I have poor impulse control. I feel like even posting this will change others' perception of me for the worse; I am okay with that because I cannot hide my struggles anymore. I want to be a good person. I want to only spread love and kindness; I think the world deserves a break. It's true that people with these illnesses are more likely to cause harm or issues than others, but we are also more likely to be abused and most of us have already faced significant abuse growing up. I just want people to view me with nuance. To see the me that tries. I haven't gotten in any fights for years until this week.
I have never replied to an email with "if your code is too shit for other people to use it, maybe tell people that when you make it open source", especially when speaking to someone whose work I admire (the email I was responding to wasn't the most understanding, and the fact that I admired this person's work made that hurt worse), and I never want to again. I don't like being this way.
What is the point of this post, besides to raise awareness of my disorders, and how nuanced its sufferers can be? I don't actually know. I just want to vent, I guess. I want to explain myself. I want to declare this aspect of myself in the same way you write down something that angers you and burn the paper as a symbol of moving on. I want to name the thing and sever my tether. I feel like if I can tell others the reason for my behavior, I'm spitting the poison out. I hope that's true; I'm going to try my best to make it so.
I've been feeling a lot lately like I'm embarrassing myself on here writing so much about my trauma and struggles.. but the truth is that I am trauma and struggles! I don't know how to be anything else. They keep telling me my impulse control will be better when I "work on it", but how do you work on it? How do you face something that horrific? I am too much. It is too much. This is just so much to deal with, but I am tired of only writing about pain. I am tired of being a one-trick pony galloping in the opposite direction of its destination, I am tired of being a bulldog with flesh in its maw, I am tired of being a leech stuck to the leg of anger.
I've heard of people going into remission for NPD, and I hope that one day that will be me. I'm certainly trying my best to be a kind person who doesn't lash out when it feels threatened or hurt. I don't always succeed, but I do try, and I have learned from my mistakes this week. It feels bad to make people feel bad. Maybe it feels good in the moment to be vindictive, but in the aftermath I always regret my actions. I won't be a clone of the people who have done the exact same thing to me.
I don't know. Just... wish me luck.